Have you seen those little feet and hands with emotions that holds the cutest and brightest smile?! Have you ever dreamt of having a child that would have your eyes and your personality? That would bring joy to you and your partner?The most blessed feeling for your family to have a grandchild?
I am going to tell you about my personal struggle, you may call me heartless, selfish or you may just call me plain right courageous for putting this out into the world when others choose to just suppress their emotions when it comes to a topic this sensitive. But I had the urge to write about how my heart aches, because that is mainly how I deal with everything in life.
When you get the news of anyone having a child you are always filled with so much joy and so much love for the parents and their family, I often go into celebration mode. But there was an instance where I did not feel that way, I only felt pain. So hurt to a point on asking why I can’t be blessed with that sort of joy soon. I completely understand if you would want to stop reading right here.
So here I go.
I have been married to the love of my life which I am so grateful for. We decided not to have any kids yet, so that we can enjoy each others company; to let each other grow, flourish and bloom to an extent where we are financially stable too.
We have been through thick and thin and we have come back to each other even when everything went wrong.
But let’s talk about how expensive this world is and how hard everyone is trying to survive a day that might not exist tomorrow. Who are we to predict the future? The almighty God is the only one that can say ‘You eat today and you have this today but tomorrow I won’t give you this’.
My in laws’ family has a beautiful little girl, my niece who I adore with all my heart. But when they decided to have a second child without a job or any stability for a year and a half or even without thinking about the next step? I was truly happy for them, but then the reality kicked in only to me. My partner is financially supporting the 3 of them even if they think they are stable or not, this never occurred to them, they did not even realise my partner and I also need to have a family of our own someday so maybe let’s let loose on them, maybe lets them to focus on their family? No, they only thought about a second child without thinking about circumstances.
My partner have I have an immense amount of debts to pay off, some ours and some not ours. But we are doing our part in the world to make life easier for others and for anyone else but ourselves. But I am truly hurt why we can’t even think of our own child one day in the future when people who do not have anything to provide, think about children today. Yes the Almighty God is the only one who can give and take, but we need to do our part as well to tie the camel up first before we ultimately put it on God it self.
The hurt that I have now, I do not wish to put it on anyone or my in laws. My hurt is with me and God only. My heart aches to see those cute little children that my friends or people I know have and the amount of joy they have everyday waking up to the sound of love and blessing from God. My heart aches but I trust that it is all a part of life but I do wish that people realise the amount of burden they put on someone when the person themselves will not go to a doctor fearing the cost of medication in this expensive world we live where saving a life is about money and not about health in the first place.
Call me selfish or call me considerate but this was solely for the purpose of an aching heart to be written down on paper. Am I alone in this battle? If you are going through the same, please talk to me.