To My Brother In Heaven

Dear Brother,

Some may say it is unwise of me to write a letter to you when you are somewhere this letter cannot reach, but there are things I want to tell you, show you and talk to you about.

Life has never been an easy ride for me. I have our family; they are my everything.

But,

Sometimes, when things get rough and I feel lonely, you come to my mind.

I think, things would have been different if you were here.

I create scenarios in my head, trying to picture you in every little occasion we have had in your absence.

I know you are around us. I know you can hear me.

Mommy said you were the strongest out of all of us. Said, you never cried over little things.

People tell me about how you looked.

A lot of them say, you looked just like mommy when all of us looked like dad.

Your round, flat nose and firm chubby cheeks, your strong limbs, your round black eyes. In these photographs, I’m trying to trace your features that resemble mommy’s.

Yes, you look just like her.

If you are looking down on us, I want you to know this;

I may have not been around to see you,

To feel your presence,

To hear your childish jabbering,

To see you walk and run around,

To live at least one moment of my entire life with you.

But now as I grow old in my 20s, I am craving your presence.

Every time mommy talks about you in the past tense, my heart aches a little deep down.

I wish if you had been here today. To grow old with me, with us. To have silly fights, to cry and make little dramas. To share a shoulder during the toughest times of life. To be a part of every happy, sad, unforgettable memories. To eat together, to hangout, to laugh over silly dry jokes and regret later.

I wonder what life would have been like with you around us.

I wonder what you would have grown up to be like.

If you would have grown up to be a patient, humble, sweet, sensitive person like mommy, resembling all her beautiful traits just like you resemble her appearance.

Brother,

I know you are here.

I know you are listening to me while I pronounce these words as I write them.

Your absence gives me a different kind of ache,

The thoughts of not having you around kills me, sometimes.

These ‘what if’s and ‘should have’ s are hard to digest.

But,

You are God’s little angel.

You are in the bliss of heaven with more angels like you.

You have taught me that I can also love someone I have never met, you have taught me that love is beautiful, that unrequited love can have its best forms. Cause I love you, with all my heart and soul. I miss you more than anything, but I cannot tell you, I cannot make you feel it.

I know there’s no second life, but if there is one, then I want you with us. I want to relive this life with you around.

Lots of love,

From the sister you never met.

Nuha Faiz

BA undergraduate. Teacher by profession, reader by birth and a writer by choice. I bond over anything well-written, aesthetics, food and cats.

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