To the girl who smiles on the Metro,
In the process of trying to love him,
Being blinded by
idealisations
and delusions,
Perfect confusion,
Mixed signals,
That existed only in my mind,
That wasn’t really there at all,
I forgot to love you.
In the process of trying to hold on to whatever
minuscule piece of him I might’ve had left,
I disregarded your feelings,
even though
you were suffocating,
Hysterical,
Crying,
And I coldly told you
that your feelings
don’t matter,
That you’re much too much
emotional.
And when you stared back at me
in the mirror,
Told me that I was beautiful,
I didn’t say it back
to you,
Because I forgot
how worthy you are
of being loved.
I let you sleep,
Cold,
on winter nights,
Feeling used,
because I forgot that you deserve
someone who wants to hold you after sex,
Who wants to spend the night,
Talking,
about nothing at all.
I let you drown
in the unrequited,
Tragically unreciprocated,
Scathing in a pool
Of your own blood,
Because I forgot that you deserve
someone
who isn’t afraid
to freefall
into love,
Even if it might not make sense.
I let you walk home
in the dark
at 2 AM,
When you walked home from his apartment,
And I watched you
get catcalled
by a passerby,
As you tugged uncomfortably
at your winter jacket,
Though I didn’t say a thing,
because you were silent for a while after that
after being ignored by me
for much too long.
I’m sorry.
I will keep you safe now
And I will heal you
until your scars become
invisible again,
And I vow to love you
the way you have always
tried
to love me.
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