An Apology to Myself

To the girl who smiles on the Metro,

 

In the process of trying to love him,

Being blinded by

idealisations

and delusions,

Perfect confusion,

Mixed signals,

That existed only in my mind,

That wasn’t really there at all,

I forgot to love you.

 

In the process of trying to hold on to whatever

minuscule piece of him I might’ve had left,

I disregarded your feelings,

even though

you were suffocating,

Hysterical,

Crying,

And I coldly told you

that your feelings

don’t matter,

That you’re much too much

emotional.

 

And when you stared back at me

in the mirror,

Told me that I was beautiful,

I didn’t say it back

to you,

Because I forgot

how worthy you are

of being loved.

 

I let you sleep,

Cold,

on winter nights,

Feeling used,

because I forgot that you deserve

someone who wants to hold you after sex,

Who wants to spend the night,

Talking,

about nothing at all.

 

I let you drown

in the unrequited,

Tragically unreciprocated,

Scathing in a pool

Of your own blood,

Because I forgot that you deserve

someone

who isn’t afraid

to freefall

into love,

Even if it might not make sense.

 

I let you walk home

in the dark

at 2 AM,

When you walked home from his apartment,

And I watched you

get catcalled

by a passerby,

As you tugged uncomfortably

at your winter jacket,

Though I didn’t say a thing,

because you were silent for a while after that

after being ignored by me

for much too long.

 

I’m sorry.

I will keep you safe now

And I will heal you

until your scars become

invisible again,

And I vow to love you

the way you have always

tried

to love me.

My name is Nancy, and I’m a college student trying to navigate life. When life became sort of stressful in high school, poetry became an outlet, as a means through which I was able to release my thoughts and reflections. I hope to be able to continue to share my poetry to help others feel understood.

Leave a Reply